flash mobs for serving divorce papers
You Might Also Like
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.