[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Tell the colonel to bring it
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
rise and shine we got egg