Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?