Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
You Might Also Like
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1