Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
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“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
it was a valiant fight
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Sounds like a bargain
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME