Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks