‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
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My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.