4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
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Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
men are simple creatures
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.