Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
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Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.