Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
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The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill