Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”