Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups