MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.