wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia