@Sarcasticsapien: Most Trump supporters favorite Disney character is the hunter who shot Bambi's mom and we all know it.
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@markedly: What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
@KalvinMacleod: ME (pulling wishbone): I won WIFE: what'd u wish for? M: uh world peace W: Nice *human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
@markleggett: People who say that they don't have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.
@TheToddWilliams: Wife: I'm glad you're watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends? Husband: These would be your Sister Wives