Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Not recommended for beginners.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.