Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture