moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*looks at you in batman voice*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no