Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
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Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*