Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
he was correct
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
You can’t rush stupid.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden