Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
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Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.