Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
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Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies