“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis