@ObscureGent: Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It's going to be a long night.
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@GrowlyGrego: "Bear with me for a minute." - Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
@perfect_messs: [during sex] Him, referring to my Spanx: Don't you want to take those off first? Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.
@Pro_Jones_: Boss: I've been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise *everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
@NJPsychDoc: Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?