Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Damn what did I do next
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it