*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
how to market bottled water to dads
me irl
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?