*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
bury ourselves
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild