Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Day 2 of my diet
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes