@SarcasticAlly12: Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you're doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
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@AlexReekie: There’s plenty more fish in the sea “Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod” I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
@AnOrangeSNES: *Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind* Me: This is our song. *A dude walks by listening to it* Me: That's OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
@MarkAgee: People are shitting on gorilla kid's mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could've run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
@LostCatDog: If you want to relate to how old people probably feel just imagine that a bowl of soup cost $40 and everybody else acted like that was fine.