I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
You Might Also Like
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Just had my nails done!
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Hitlers gonna hitl
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Admin smashed it 😂
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard