[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
You Might Also Like
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”