Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Camping tip: No.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
My last name is Zilla.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?