MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
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Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too