*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Good morning, Twitter x
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.