[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy