@ElizaBayne: "Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way."- Ludacris's cousin, Kurteous
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@amydillon: *ties husband's hands to headboard* *turns out lights* *opens laptop* "Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation 'Curtains: How About These?'"
@Flykins: regardless means without regard irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes
@iGreenMonk: I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.
@huntigula: [Donald Trump's election speech] "America, I have only 1 thing to say" *pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher* "YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D"