“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
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Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.