*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
You Might Also Like
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.