Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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I’m not proud
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Sounds like a bargain
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Home #decor warning.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
dads on road-trips be like
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send