[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My dog learned how to text
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.