[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up