[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I put the h in mysterious.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?