Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.