Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Catercrombie & Fish
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
💁🏻♂️
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys