#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
it be like that
A dad and his duck
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Never forget.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.