*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot