Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
You Might Also Like
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.