“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
LMAO.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.