Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
pep talk
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part