MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
You Might Also Like
I wish I could veto my bills.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I am, perchance
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??