Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I want this so bad
i- i did not expect this
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Same post same
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.