[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You Might Also Like
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
reduce, reuse, recycle
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.