If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
🤣🤣
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.