ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
This dude got his own movie?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Fiction has to make sense.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.