Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!